do you ever wonder if you went away would anyone care?


i have a suspition that most people wouldn't care if i did.
whether it be temporary or permanently.


these past few months have been terrible, and im tried of saying it.
you know what happened. you know it ill take along time for me to get over it.
i  just need you there.
no opinions.
or "advice".
just there.
i need to know someone cares.
everyone says they do but i dont feel it.
its easy to say "whenever you need me, night or day, im there"..
but when the time comes theyre busy.

i keep lots to myself.
most people get angry with me because they have to pull things out of me.
that was matts biggest issue with me.
ive never been an open book nor do i ever want to be.
keeping things to myself protects me.
& thus far its served me well in life.
nor does it bother me that i do so.
it gets lonely sometimes knowing that i only know the real me.
but thats the price i pay.

i feel terrible for walking away from matt after i told him i never would ever again.
i had to put my foot down though.
whats done is done. i cant go back and i dont know if i would even if i could.


then friday night be brought megan ( the girl he stopped talking to me to be in a relationship with her for)
to one of MY friends parties!
oh so gay i know.
it really hurt me that he would do that. these are my friends.
yeah hes friends with them too but they were mine first.
i went to prom and senior week with these people.
he just works with them, ughhh.
i dont blame them though, i blame him.
he has no loyality and i texted him that after he left.

but i didnt talk to him allll night.
he played me in beer pong though and he kept trying to make eye contact and talk.
i flipped him off in return. i just stood there with a dead serious look on my face with my middle finger firmly held until one time he just walked away from the table. 
i didnt even feel bad, i hope he felt like shit in that moment.
he would know how ive felt this whole time.
being used and taken advantage of by him.
i can only take so much and be walked on so many times.
him bringing megan was the end of him for me.
im done now.
when we talked a few days ago i told him he should have to pick between me and megan and he said he could never do that so i told him not to talk to anymore then. i was removing myself from the situation.
Lil had people over her house that night too.
i promised Zack that i would take him to the party so i left and took him then drank one beer.
and then they wouldnt let me leave.....
so i just drank somemore and i was buzzing pretty hardcore at one point but after shots of Jager,
i was sober as hell, i have no idea how.
but i really wanted to go back to Lils.
Andrea was surprising me and coming home for the weekend for my brithday..
but since i couldnt go back to Lils until like 4am i didnt get to see her and went straight home.
she's way upset about it, i know she is. i feel terrible about it too.


this whole weekend sucked.
my birthday was a bust- i slept all night!!!!! crazy 19th i know!
i thought someone would have done something... but no.
friday was suppose to be good but wound up sucking so bad.
the only good thing about friday was putting matt in his place and the good talk i had with kristi and the amazing talk i had with jamie. oh and drew told me that i can do wayyy better than matt and i deserve so much better. 
that made me happy.

every person at the party said i was soo much prettier then megan too!
hahahaha. matts an idiot.

oh drew challenged me to wrestle when matt and megan were leaving so i went for it,
we wrestled down hill on wet grass when i was in a dress!!
he was choking me with his body at one point.. that was scary!
but he finally pinned me and we called it a night. all muddy and gross.
right after matt and megan left, she screamed, "bye michelle" out the window when they left.
what is she 12 years old?
that pissed me off so bad, you dont have the balls to say anything to me all night but you scream bye?! wtf?
me and jamie looked at one another and freaked out.
she told me that she hated her exs new girl megan too.
we're starting an i hate megans group- if you wanna join notify me.



so i missed seeing my best friend to deal with this shit, i was so pissed.


then saturday my mom set up a mother daughter day for my birthday.
we got facials ( which were amazing) and our hair done.
im the kind of person that doesnt take life too seriouslly and make a joke out of everything.
while my mom does not.
she started saying rude things to me and that pissed me off.


my parents have spoiled me my whole life, and now theyre stopping that.
i hate it!
but not because i wont be getting everything i want anymore,
because thats how i knew my parents loved me- with the things they gave me.
so if they stop giving me things, do they no longer love me?
my mom quickly made the day about her though, which upset me.
it was my birthday, not hers!!


on the ride home we had a good talk though.
i told her that the day was awkward because she didnt even know anything about me.
we hadnt really spoken in a year. she was surprised with how mature i was though.
i summarized the whole year in a minute for her, she was shocked.
i left some things out though.
she always says that she doenst see how my anxiety can be so bad when i dont really do anything...
i called her out about that. i wanted her to know all the shit i had to deal with.
i told her how i dont open up to my friends really and they tell me everything. im like the mom.
i told her how i realized that im the only person that i can depend on, everyone else will let you down.
she told me how she never really had a relatiobship with her mom and still doesnt.
she never had someone do anything big for her birthdays or threw her a baby shower.
i realized that she wsant trying to take away from my birthday, she was trying to relive hers.
i really do love my parents and want a relationship with them.
im gonna have to work on building it though, i think that they dont know what to do and just get frustrated.
they want me to be one way but im not that person anymore and they have to accept that.

saturday night i went clubbing for Kristi's 21st birthday.
it sucked. there was every ugly person in the tri state area at Iguana.
i was so upset because of all the shit that happened the days previously that i was no fun.
i barely danced and didnt drink at all. all i wanted to do was talk to Lil and Andrea and resolve things.
by the time we got back, it was too late so i went home.
i slept all day sunday..like all day.
i dont know why.


now at 11am i have to go see a doctor about my anxiety and such so im sure that will take hours.
ughhh, im just stuck right now.



i really just need people to back me up not bitch me out. 
dont tell me im selfish when you just told me i never take time for myself.
dont tell me im dramatic when i let things slide way more than i should.
dont tell me im who i am because you'll never know everything about me.