Everyone tells me I am the hardest person to get to know.
I've trusted people in the past, completely. Those people are the ones that have hurt me the most.
I keep getting stuck in life. The past three years have felt like a mid life crisis. I haven't enjoyed it.
But I've always wanted to get better and be happy.
I always said that above everything else I know I'm a good friend. That's true to every friend I've ever had..
except ONE.
The things I said to her came from a dark place that I've been trying to work threw on my own. With the help of self mediciating.
I now see this same person in the place I once was and I can't help but think that its because of me.
She saw my demons take over who I was and change me completely and she still stuck by me.
My friends always know that I will always be there for them, no matter what.
However, for her I would do anything. She kept me from falling over the edge. I owe my life to her.
I can never say "I'm sorry" enough.
I am doing well now because of her. I think she knows that.
-If I can overcome everything that happened to me, so can you. You're not a fuck up.
"Dude, how are you always so happy!?"
I am, finally, the old me again. It feel amazing.
But I think this semester will be a good one for me. I'm taking 14 credits and working 30 hours of week so I'll have to cut out all the shit that came with Winter break... well maybe some weekends I can still get shitty, c'mon it's me :P hehe
My Mom's tumor was non-cancerous so that's a huge relief and it made me apperciate her so much more. I complain about my parents and my lack of a relationship with them but I don't know what I would do without them. I've had some great friends since Elementary school and Middle school but only my parents have been there threw everything. They love me for who I am no matter if I'm making poor choices or great ones. I feel really selfish for taking for granted what my parents can do for me and only focusing on myself. I thought I had grown up so much last year and I have
but I guess I still need to grow...
1. Things that satisfy me are accomplishing goals that I have set for myself, being a good friend to others, being financially set, music, giving back and contributing to better society.
I gain pride from the brotherhood that exists in our nation and the sense of us being united. I gain confidence in my fellow man and the hope for a better tomorrow. I gain assurance in knowing there are people working to make things better for all people and all things. I gain certainty in seeing these good deeds go noticed and encouraging others to follow along.
I am a member of Peace Corps of America and plan to enroll after completing College. I’ve always enjoyed community service and working with children so I plan to use those talents to help the greater good. I will serve a 2 year term of service in any country around the world to help with anything from Aids awareness, child education, building school buildings, and working towards world peace.
2. The things that challenge me would be my goals that I emplace, staying motivated and making decisions. It took me a long time to decide that I wanted to join Peace Corps and now with transfer application dates getting closer I need to decide which college I want to go to next fall. I tend to put things off until the last minute, causing a lot of headaches. This is certainly an area in which I need to improve. Also, I need to learn how to say no I’m always my friends go to person (I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing or not) but I’m often overwhelmed by the pure volume of things that people dump on me.
Along with that, I guess I need to work on being more carefree. But also, I want to trust other people easier and not be so stubborn.
Things that make me curious would be education and learning; I’m always searching for the answer to some problem and always want to learn more.
I’m anxious over wars, going away with Peace Core, transferring to my 4 yr, and finding happiness in it all. I’m worried about making the right choices in life. I’m frustrated over the blind hatred that seems to exist in our world today and takes shape in things like murder, genocide, hate crimes, etc.
3. My hopes are to be successful, make my parents proud, make a difference in people’s lives, be able to completely financially support myself without any help from my parents and to travel all around the world in my lifetime.
In regards to my future, I know the stereotypical answer would be in 5 years I see myself married with kids but honestly, I don’t. I see myself finally settling into a career, traveling, maybe studying abroad, who knows. I’ve been a dreamer my whole life and have no need or want to stop that now. In my option a successful and happy life is a life well experienced. No opportunity wasted and no regrets. That’s how I plan to live for the rest of my life. As for a better world, that would entail more dreamers to make things happen and influence others to stray from the beaten path. World peace will always be my biggest priority and a hope for a better world. I hope that view never changes, no matter what I experience. I believe that you have to start off small and work your way up but in order to get the bigger picture you have to first want that bigger picture.
I think I'm too realistic to fall in love..
im always the last of my friends to do anything.
not that im a follower or anything, ive just always been afraid of the unknown.
i hate how main stream suburbia i am.
the second i try to do something new, people judge.
mostly friends and my parents.
im trying out new things at this stage in my life.
i need to make my own mistakes.
im trying to grow up for the first time.
its scary but exciting. but really scary.
im making a list of things i want to do:
-start painting and drawing again.
-start writing my own songs again.
-party less, learn more.
-photograph more.
-travel/explore more.
-design more.
-bust out my sewing machine more.
-pray more, gossip less.
i want to move to the city soon. i can see myself going to shows, photographing my surroundings, sketching people at the park, finding inspiration everywhere.
no more mundane lifestyle for me, i wanna break out.
lets see how much i can accomplish.
- Music:kate nash
Friday, March 28, 2008
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You may be quite sure about what you want to do and very little can stop you from making positive changes to your life now. Your optimism can overcome negativity, but don't use it to totally avoid the truth. Analyze all data that comes to you and don't be afraid to apply it diligently to reach your exciting new goals.
- Mood:
ecstatic
i loved.
i lost.
i learned.
i fought.
i grew up.
i found my way.
i feel like i now know where i need to be.
i need to work harder in school and get better grades so i can go away next fall.
i need to live on my own and find myself.
i want to be more honest more often, to avoid blow out fighting.
i am feeling much better also, my sickness had passed.
ive had a lot of time to think which has been good.
i know what i want to do with my life.
i need to not be afarid and go for it.
i need to believe in myself, even if noone else does.
its hard not having my parents really get me, i feel alone most of the time.
but my friends always seem to get me.
my extented family is pretty great also.
i want to learn how to keep things in perspective more.
every little thing won't be the end of the world.
so what he broke my heart? ill love again.
there's so many bigger things to worry about it.
i have a feeling that the good i put out there will come back to me.
i dont know many people who could not only forgive the person that hurt them the most but befriend them again.
also ive decided that i dont hate Dave.. i should, i have ever right too.
but i think hating him only wastes more of my energy on him and puts me on his level.
i know that he is where he deserves to be and thats all i could wish for.
God has a way of making everything seem better.
this morning i was just thinking about my relationship with God, well what it use to be.
it put such a huge grin on my face.
you cant tell me he doesn't exist, ive felt something so real.
he moves me and inspires me.
i know that no matter how bad things seem that God will never put me threw something i cant handle.
plus i can look bad on previous experiences, good and bad, and see how much ive grown.
everything really does happen for a reason.
so im gonna live each moment to the max, for this moment is my life.
i stopped taking my meds but strange thing is im happier than ever....
im old enough to be able to take care of myself and know whats best for me.
i think im good just as i am.
why does music make everything seem better?
i want to do something with music again. i miss singing with my band.
im gonna start doing things like that again.
also, im gonna start doing the things i love more often.
make this day count everyone.
live it up, and live it loud.
god bless.
- Mood:
indescribable
there's something about showers that make more clarity.
maybe its the steam or the scent of the shampoo or the cleansing of your body that makes one want to cleanse their mind..?
but anyway, while i was showering i had like a flashback of sorts to a time when i was a little girl in the bathtub. i would take the longest baths and my parents would get so mad.
but something about laying in the bathrub, water surronded all around me, ears underwater so the only sounds heard are the ones the water would make swishing back and forth; was so calming to me.
i would lay in their for hours until my skin was pruned.
without a care.
no deadline.
no time limit.
nothing due.
no where to be.
just relaxing.
it made me wonder why is it that the older we get the less we allow ourselves to have moments like this? these moments provide so much clarity and relaxation.
i feel so rejuvenated eventhough i have plans for the rest of the day.
i feel no rush, no worries. (p.s. i never feel this way)
but anyway, during my moment of clarity i began to think about something i saw on postsecret.. it was a secret someone had submitted about how there alleged good friends turned their backs on them but it wasn't that so much that surprised them. what surprised them was the people who arouse and had their back.
thats actually pretty profound. ive been going threw a lot recently and it hasnt been easy on me so im sure my friends are feeling some of the strain since ive been so down. it hurts hearing friends of mine are upset with me and won't tell me why.. i dont see the reasoning behind hiding what theyre feeling?! im pretty blunt. i wish more people would say what they mean instead of what people want to hear. you dont have to be hurtful or rude but telling people whats up sometimes can really help and it makes them respect you for having the guts to tell them. but thats just me.
but when we're all out i try to fake a smile, just to ensure everyone will have a good time.
i cant remember the last time i really laughed, like full out fell over, cracked up laughed.
even while in altered states i still find it hard to smile and laugh.
i cant wait for this stage to be over. my doctor made me take some test yesterday when i went to see her and i knew what the results would be but hearing it out loud bummed me out.
im gonna try to cut peole a little more slack and take things as they come and stop analyzing everything. i think that will help me and my anxiety a lot.
well thats all for today. have a great one.
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